Chef Boy-Ar-Lenny

Here's a fun tidbit.  I can't cook.  I hate it with a deep, deep passion, and if you expect me to bring a side dish, you can guarantee that I'm more than likely going to bring either fruit or vegetables that have already beed sliced, diced, and packaged, and some pre-made dip.  If it doesn't come in a box or bag, then I'm more than likely not going to cook it.  On the rare occasions what I do cook, no matter what I make it all tastes the same.  Lasagna?  Tastes like chicken.  Meatloaf?  Tastes like chicken.  Polish sausage, chicken.  You get the point.  I have the blue box blues, and I plan on havin' em until I become an old hag.  When I'm feeling really gourmet I make what I loving (and creatively) refer to as "fire pasta."  Sounds interesting, doesn't it?  I will be sure to include the recipe at the end of the post.  What it essentially is, is spaghetti noodles, butter, and hot sauce.  *BAM* Money.  There was one time when I must of been having an episode of some sort, because I attempted to make a "fancy" grilled cheese sandwich.  Meaning, I had to use cheese that wasn't just Kraft singles.  That should have been my first warning that I was going to be out of my league.  But I thought to myself, it's grilled cheese.  How on earth can I possible screw this up??  Hahaha.  Silly girl.  Silly, stupid, girl.  I started off strong.  I had all of my cheeses lined up nicely, had the bread buttered just so, and then I put the sammies in the frying pan, and I watched as it congealed into a concoction that was part plastic, part magnificent bouncing ball.  The cheese had taken on a new life form.  It was something that should have been studied by NASA, and I'm fairly certain the "cheese" could have been used to patch a hole in a tire.  As I stood at the stove, staring down at the bread that now resembled a wadded up napkin, and the cheese slowly turning into cement, the fire detectors went off.  I'm pretty sure I gave the detectors the bird, because come on.  That's what I get for being fancy.  About ten minutes after my sorry attempt, Leonard came home from work and was all like, *sniff sniff*  "Why does it smell like smoke?  Did you almost burn down the house again?  Were you trying to get all fancy with the ramen noodles again?"  And I was all like, "Dammit Sharpe!  I was tryyyyying to make you a fancy grilled cheese sammie."  And then he was all like, "Did you call NASA yet to have them study your new form of glue?"  And then I threw down my chef hat, and continued to sip on the cooking sherry.  But here's the deal, even though I can't cook, Leonard can.  Fantastically too, I might add.  When I'm all like, "Would you like the chicken tenders that are in the shape of dinosaurs or star shapes?"  He's all like, "I made you a honey glazed chicken, with a side of pea puree and baby roasted potatoes that were kissed with a hint of truffle."  And then I look at him in confusion because I don't speak that fancy chef language, so he clarifies it for me, "It tastes good, and you can't bounce it across the room."
So if you're ever invited over to my house for dinner, and Leonard is out of town for work, don't be surprised if I present you with a Lean Cuisine and a sorry look on my face.
I leave you with a picture of Chef Lenny, to prove that the man means business when he gets down on the get down.  Oh, he's going to be so pissed.  :)  Hi Lenny!  Don't be too mad, because I think your carrot/potato creation is the bomb diggity.  For reals.

I believe he is pureeing some macadamia nuts, during one of his own self-induced "Chopped Challenges".  Sometime I like to play Iron Chef, where I shout out random foods just for funsies, and watch Leonard dig through the cupboard for truffle oil and mangos.

And last but not least, I leave you with my recipe for "Fire Pasta".  I swear to God if this become a thing, I best get credit for it.  :)
"Fire Pasta"
*Take a fist full of dry spaghetti noodles, and snap them in half
*Throw them into the boiling water
*Go sit on the couch and watch The Real Housewives of Whatever.  When someone tosses a table, then it's time to drain the noodles.
*Drain pasta, and then add a glob of butter, and then add a good glug of hot sauce
*Mix thoroughly
*Dump into bowl
*Enjoy
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