*The following conversation is embellished (aka-fictionalized), but it basically sums up my life:
911 dispatcher: 911, what's your emergency?
Me: I'm stuck.
911: You're stuck? In what? A well? A hole? In quick sand?
Me: No. Boots.
911: You're stuck in boots? Is that a place?
Me: No. My BOOTS. My knock-off Wellies. They're stuck. On my feet. And I'm having a panic attack.
911: Is this the same lady that called before about getting stuck in her Spanx?
Me: I don't want to talk about it.
911: And wasn't there also the time, something with a turtleneck?
Me: Hey! It's not MY fault that the fashion industry discriminates against people who happen to have a large circumference around their dome. They should take people like us into consideration when they make their turtleneck holes. It was like giving birth to my own head. I just saw flashes of blue cotton fibers, and my life flashing before me eyes.
911: Just exactly how are you stuck in your boots? Or excuse me, "wellies".
Me: Same as the Spanx and the turtleneck.
911: You're squeezing things of a large circumference into something too small?
Me: I'll happen to let you know I have large feet to hold up my large head. I'm proportionate.
911: We can't send emergency workers to release you from your boots, ma'am.
Me: Dammit.
911: Just get out the meat sheers, ma'am.
Me: But then my boots will be ruined.
911: Ma'am...
Me: Dammit. Fine.
And that is the story of the time my boats got stuck in the dock, so to speak. My predicament did give me an idea for my next Halloween costume, though. I'm going to go as a Chinese finger cuff, decked out in my death trap blue turtleneck, Spanx, and blue wellies. And I think Lenny should be one big giant meat sheer. (Gotta keep with the couples theme. :)
